Special Education Placements
When is it Time for Residential?
Simply asking this question is understandably heartbreaking and highly emotional. Sending your child to live outside of your home goes against the grain of what we imagine it means to be a “good parent.” No one dreams about sending their child away to be cared for by strangers.
Parents may ask themselves, “Am I a terrible parent for even thinking about this? Does this mean I’m giving up?” While it is important for families to exhaust all available options and avoid an out-of-home placement if possible, it is not a sign of weakness or failure if you consider or pursue this option. But parents often feel guilty if they do. If you find yourself wondering about residential placement, it is likely a sign that it’s at least important to explore - regardless of the decision you ultimately make.
It can be difficult for outsiders to comprehend why a child would need residential placement. Most people cannot begin to imagine the extreme or unusual behaviors that families see every day. If someone has never known of or seen a child smash their head through a window, repeatedly scratch themselves until they bleed, or engage in other bizarre, unsafe behaviors, it might be difficult to understand why a child would need highly specialized professional care 24/7.
Parents should know that it takes courage to allow yourself to consider this possibility. It shows that parents selflessly put their child’s needs first. You believe that your child deserves a chance at fulfilling their potential.
If you are just beginning to contemplate the possibility of residential placement, it may help to hear from parents who have gone through this (see Family Stories). Parents as early as one month into their child’s residential placement have been surprised at how happy their child was and how much growth occurred in a relatively short period of time. Some parents said this was the best decision they could have made for their child. They regretted not making the decision sooner!
When Couples Are Not On The Same Page
All parents have parenting disagreements, and these can be more intense for parents of children with serious disabilities. Decisions about residential placement are understandably a source of tension and disagreement, putting strain on the relationship. Couples are rarely on the same page at the same time about such a sensitive, high-stakes decision.
What can couples can do when one person is more "ready" than the other?
- Understand that it is not realistic for couples to be completely on board regarding a residential placement decision. It is not a “feel-good” decision but rather one filled with intense sadness. Often, one partner will carry one set of feelings, such as the pain, loss, and fears about the child leaving home, while the other carries seemingly "opposite" feelings, such as the hope of change that could come from residential placement. The reality is that both parents likely feel all of these feelings, yet find themselves in a pattern of trying to convince their partner of their perspective. It helps when both partners can share both sides of the emotional conflict: that neither really “wants” to send their child away but feels it’s best for their child.
- Acknowledge differences in your parental roles or other reasons you might hold different views. For example, one partner may know that they're not ready for residential because they are less involved in day-to-day caregiving and can appreciate that their partner is more overwhelmed. The parent who more regularly handles school communications and attends medical and therapy appointments may feel that the need for a residential placement is more urgent. Trying to appreciate why you have different perspectives can be helpful in moving closer to being on the same page - though maybe not right away.
- Talk about feelings you do have in common: the sense that things are hard, that your child deserves better, and that you both feel ambivalent, scared, sad, and unsure.
- Ask yourselves what could be gained and lost if your child stays at home versus attends a residential program. Sometimes these big picture questions help couples clarify their shared values and find common ground. But this is understandably difficult to do when you are emotionally agonizing over this decision.
Why Are Children Referred for Residential Placement?
One way parents can begin to approach this difficult question is by looking at the reasons children are referred to residential placements (based on research by Abt Associates, 2008):
Professionals’ reasons for recommending residential placement:
- destructive acts in the community
- self-injury or other danger to one’s self
- physical aggression, assault, or danger to others
- inability to function in daily activities
Families’ reasons for seeking residential placement:
- the severity and complexity of their child’s challenges
- safety and other needs for 24-hour structured treatment
- challenges in accessing outpatient care in the community for the child and family
- preference for all aspects of treatment and education within one system
The legal reason school districts refer children to residential placement is that they cannot provide the child with a free, appropriate public education (FAPE). Schools may take a long time to conclude this, in part due to the legal requirement to educate children in the Least Restrictive Environment (LRE). Residential placements are, by definition, the most restrictive or specialized.
Typically, schools and families refer children to less restrictive options along the continuum of placements after public school options have failed. For example, a private day placement with in-home support may be tried first, before referring to residential.
Pros and Cons of Residential Placement
There are many studies documenting the increased stress of parenting children with certain disabilities. However, much less is known about the impact of residential placement on families. One important study (Krauss et al., 2005) described the pros and cons of residential placement for parents of adult children with developmental and intellectual disabilities. These findings may also be helpful to families with school age children and teenagers.
What parents report about having an adult child who
lives at Home:
For the adult child
Benefits of living at home | Challenges of living at home |
|---|---|
Is happy at home | Feels isolated; lack of friends, social life |
Gets to interact and stay close with family | Adult child is not challenged |
Receives good care | Fewer services received |
For the parent(s)
For the adult child
Benefits of living in a residential setting | Challenges of living in a residential setting |
|---|---|
Age-appropriate lifestyle | Feels lonely |
Has friends, social life | Less part of family life |
Has good program, daily structure | Grooming/personal appearance concerns |
Gaining independence, skills, confidence | Safety concerns |
For the parent(s)
Benefits of child living at home | Challenges of child living at home |
|---|---|
Adult child helps around the house | Can’t leave adult alone; less freedom |
Parents learn from adult child | Family activities limited; social isolation |
No worries about quality of care | Managing adult child’s difficult behaviors |
Parents' increased peace of mind | Worry about adult child’s future |
Adult child is good company, nice to have around | Constant caregiving; hard to find respite care |
Shared love; sense of family togetherness | Stress of daily life on siblings, marriage |
What parents report about having an adult child who
lives in a Residential Setting:
Benefits of child living in a residential setting | Challenges of child living in a residential setting |
|---|---|
Calmer at home, more typical family life | Sense of loss; parents miss adult child |
Not managing difficult behaviors | Concerns about quality of staff training |
Parents’ marriage improves | Feels worried, guilty |
Siblings less distressed | Staff turnover |
Decreased stress | Loss of control over care; don’t know details |
Able to work; more leisure/free time | Missing direct caretaker role |
Improved social life | Concerns about health, meds |
Peace of mind about adult child’s future as parent ages | Lack of/poor communication with staff |
Limited visits/contact with adult child | |
Caretaking demands ongoing |
I'm Still Unsure... How Do I Know if Residential Placement is Right for My Child?
Every child and family is unique, and there’s no “right” time to think about residential placement. This is one of the hardest decisions a parent can face—and it’s deeply personal. Some parents spend years struggling with the idea, hoping that things might get better at home. Others reach a point where they realize they can no longer keep their child safe, or help them thrive, without more support.
For many families, a crisis becomes the moment of clarity—but only after a long period of reflection and emotional work. It’s not about giving up. It’s about asking: What’s best for my child, and for our whole family? What do we gain or lose with each choice?
Some families can’t bear the thought of being apart from their child. Others find that the constant stress, self-injury, or aggression at home is just too much. Some realize their child isn’t learning the skills they need for a brighter future. These aren’t easy truths to face.
Choosing residential placement is not punishment, abandonment, or failure.
For many, it becomes clear that this choice is actually a gift. It’s a way to give your child the best chance to grow, to learn, and to live a good life—even if that means doing so outside the family home.
In fact, the opposite of giving up is true: making this decision takes incredible courage. It means putting your child’s needs above your own heartache. It means understanding that, while no one will ever love your child more than you do, there are professionals who can teach and support them in ways you may not be able to in your home or community. This decision is a powerful act of love.