Special Education Placements
Preparing for Residential Placement
Once a child’s IEP team has made the referral to residential placement, a new journey begins for the entire family. In getting to this point, families have often been through many struggles – externally (with systems of care) and internally (with their own intense emotions).
Common Emotional Reactions
Sadness and LossHaving a vulnerable child leave your home and your care is usually something parents do not want, but rather feel like they have to choose for their well-being and even survival. The sense of loss and pain can feel overwhelming and almost unbearable.
It goes without saying that your child is a loved, valued family member and a source of joy. Of course parents miss them terribly! The loss of the child at home leaves a huge void. Parents may have spent so much time caregiving that they feel disoriented after the child's move, not knowing what to do with themselves at home.
A similar sense of loss occurs when nondisabled young adult children leave home for the first time, perhaps for college or work. Parents’ sadness is seen as a valid, normal part of “letting go” of their children as they pursue their own lives as independent adults. It is striking that there are many resources for parents going through this “normal” phase of life, but very little guidance for parents whose disabled children leave home for residential placement. It is a much more complicated grieving process that deserves extra time, care, attention, and support.
Conflicting Feelings: Relief and Guilt Alongside sadness and loss, you may also feel a sense of relief. Everyday hardships decrease, which of course alleviates stress at home. It would be understandable to feel guilty for feeling relieved. And parents may already be feeling guilty for choosing residential placement in the first place! This mix of feelings is common but will likely lessen over time as you see the benefits of the placement.
A child with severe challenges requires a great deal of parents’ time and energy in terms of caretaking as well as advocacy behind the scenes. Your love and advocacy for your child led to them getting their needs met at this new placement. The part of you that feels some relief may be a signal for you to devote time to your own self-care.
Parents’ self-care often takes a backseat when caring for a disabled child. This may be a time to change that.
Feeling Alone; IsolatedHaving a child in a private day or residential placement can be isolating for families, especially in the beginning. Parents may feel disconnected from their community when their child no longer attends the local school like their siblings or neighbors.
Some parents report feeling shame or guilt that their child “needs more” than what the public school can provide. They dread when other parents ask where their child is.
Parents also lose the opportunity for spontaneous day-to-day contact with other parents and teachers at drop-off or pickup. Some parents of nonverbal children miss the daily communication logs that gave them a sense of their child’s day. It can be difficult adjusting to a residential school that may be far away and offers only weekly email or phone updates instead.
Developing new connections with staff and fellow parents takes time but is well worth it. Meeting parents that understand the unique challenges or even trauma that your family has gone through is priceless and can help you feel less alone.
How Can Parents Prepare?
Parents may have time and space to manage their emotions if there is a waiting period before the child leaves home. The child's application or packet will likely be sent to several placements, and it may take time before an opening becomes available. In the meantime, there are a number of practical and emotional tasks that parents can begin, to the extent that they feel ready.
Practical Tasks
- Begin explaining to the child, siblings, and extended family about the placement. Parents might begin with the people they anticipate being the most supportive.
- Visit schools that have accepted the child or have the child on a waiting list to get a feel for what it might be like. Can you picture your child there?
- Talk with other parents. Ask the residential placement to connect you with other parents and begin learning what to expect. Parents can also ask their public school district's Special Education Parent Advisory Council (SEPAC) leader to identify parents who might share their experiences.
- Obtain a parent handbook of the schools so you can learn about their rules and overall culture. They will likely offer lists of necessary items to bring or purchase for the child.
- Create a collage of family photographs or other decorations for your child’s room. Photo albums and videos of family and friends for your child to view at school can make it feel more like home. It can help keep these relationships and memories close at hand when missing loved ones. These can also help your child's staff get to know them as a whole person with a rich history and many loved ones. This is especially helpful for nonverbal children who cannot tell their stories to staff, but can show them with pictures.
- Make an All About Me sheet for the new placement. A brief, one page summary will help staff quickly learn key things about your child. This is especially helpful for children with limited verbal or other communication.
Emotional Tasks
- Acknowledge and share with others the many overwhelming feelings you have. Parents have described feeling guilt, sadness, anger, anxiety, and shame. Sharing with others can help you feel less isolated and alone. Some parents worried that others would judge them negatively, or view them as bad parents who gave up on their child. Instead, they found relief when they heard the empathy of family and friends: "I don't know how you hung in there for so long."
- It's OK to feel relieved. Anticipating some calm at home after the child's placement might make some parents feel guilty, as if they are placing the child for their own benefit rather than the child's. Parents should try to hold in mind that their child deserves more specialized support than what the local school, outpatient treaters, or any loving family can provide. When parents can allow themselves to feel some relief, knowing that help is on the way, it can be easier to survive this waiting period before the child’s placement begins.
- Begin grieving the loss of having your child at home. Some parents worry that they won’t be as close with their child or that life won’t be the same without the child at home. Think of this time as an opportunity to do important emotional work prior to the actual transition.
- Reading a school's parent handbook can trigger strong emotional reactions. Anticipate tasks that will be more challenging. For example, some parents become upset when reading the list of clothing and other items needed at the new school, and being instructed to label everything - a reminder that their new "home away from home" will require these non-home-like modifications. If parents anticipate tasks that will be difficult for them, they can ask family or friends to take these on. Other parents have strong emotional reactions to the school policies about phone calls and visits. Writing down questions for the school (e.g., are overnight visits allowed, daily phone or FaceTime calls) can be helpful. Every parent is different, and figuring out how to make the transition easiest on the parents will also make it go more smoothly for the child.
- Consider professional support. Some find it helpful to find an individual therapist, couples therapist, or a support group for parents or siblings. Sibshops offers connection and therapeutic activities for siblings. The Arc or other disability organizations may offer support groups for parents.
