Most parents develop a new “normal” after their child is diagnosed with a disability. After your child enters residential placement, you may find yourself adjusting to another “new normal.” Life without your child at home will likely bring many competing emotions: sadness, relief, loss/emptiness, peace of mind, worry.

Some parents experience mild symptoms of post-traumatic stress. Here is an analogy to explain this seemingly ironic experience: It is not uncommon for troops at war to carry on with great strength when explosives are going off around them. But sometimes when they return to the calmness of home, they then develop emotional symptoms such as anxiety or depression. This may occur for parents of children with severe challenges too! When your child is no longer at home and you can finally exhale and reflect on all you’ve been through, you are free to feel emotions you didn’t have time to feel before.

Some families described an eerie sense of calm at home. They couldn’t figure out what to do with themselves when they weren’t putting out fires all the time. It takes time to get past this fog or confusion before realizing that “normal” things are possible – like seeing a movie, sleeping through the night, or going out to dinner as a family – things they could never do when their child lived at home.

When one child has required the majority of parental resources, some parents feel guilty for neglecting their other children, spouse, and other family and friends. After their child began residential placement, parents sometimes feel they have more time and energy to devote to these other relationships.

Research has shown that (1) that parenting children with disabilities can be stressful as well as rewarding and (2) that stress can negatively impact health. It is important for parents to begin devoting time to their own self-care and to do this without feeling selfish or guilty. This point deserves repeating: Parents should take care of their own needs without guilt!

Over time, many parents notice that they have time and energy to pursue working again (for those who left their jobs to care for their child), to travel, exercise, or engage in other hobbies or interests that had taken a back seat to caregiving.

If a child’s residential school is some distance from home, parents may feel isolated and alone after their child's move. Who is your new peer group? It takes time to form a new sense of community. Look for opportunities the school may offer to connect with other families. The school might need volunteers for Teacher Appreciation Day, holiday parties for students, or other events. Some schools will offer Sibling Groups, and parents can get together during this time. Ask to be in touch with other parents at your child’s residence. It can be worth the effort to seek or create new connections with parents who understand what you have been through.

Having a child in residential placement is similar to starting a new job where you have to learn a complex set of written and unwritten rules. It takes a while to understand how the school operates and how families are included as part of the team. At this point in a family’s journey, most parents will feel comfortable asking questions and being assertive when necessary, especially after years of navigating many systems for their child. This will serve parents well as they adjust to the new placement.

Even within one school, the rules in each residence (e.g., adolescent house, young adult apartments) may be somewhat different. This can be difficult in the beginning when parents are trying to learn what works best for their child and family. How can parents tell what is a hard-and-fast rule, and what is a guideline that is flexible?

The parent handbook, for example, might say that family visits at the residence are not allowed on weekends. However, if a child exhibits unsafe behaviors at home or in the community, parents could request permission for supervised visits at the residence. This kind of dialogue between parents and staff is encouraged in order for the placement to go well.

One of the most major shifts that parents will undergo is the loss of control of basic parenting activities on a day-to-day basis. This can bring relief when competent teachers and staff are managing the child’s aggression and other serious challenges in a way that no parent could. But there is also the loss of the tender moments and enjoyable aspects of parenting. Whether it is the pleasure parents get from sharing a laugh or a favorite meal with your child, daily hugs, or tucking them into bed at night – this will all be done by your child’s teachers and staff.

When raising children with serious challenges, parents often feel as if they have no choice but to micromanage certain tasks because of their children’s vulnerabilities. After all, no one knows your child as well as you do. Letting go of this level of parental control can be very difficult, even heartbreaking. Parents might feel upset hearing that their child refused dinner or misses their favorite meals from home. Or that their child became dysregulated over something that the parent would have known to avoid, or soothed them more quickly. Even seemingly small mistakes, like seeing another child wearing their child’s coat, can make a parent’s heart ache.

The good news is that as parents and their child form relationships and build trust with the child’s staff, this “letting go” of day-to-day caretaking becomes easier. And the sadness and missing your child eases with time too.

One parent described how he let go of a seemingly small thing, though a big deal to him at the time. He couldn't stand seeing how messy his son’s room was, so his wife agreed to pick up their son for a weekly dinner at home. This father realized that his son’s room was clean enough–even if not up to his standards–and the real problem was his sadness over the loss of an activity he used to do with his son at home. His gradual trust in the staff helped him “let go” of his wish for his son’s room to be kept just as it was at home.

Parents know that no one will ever love their child as they do, but they may be surprised at how much the teachers and staff come to love and care for their child too.

After a child’s residential placement, families begin to notice the extent of the challenges they faced on a daily basis. Life may feel strangely calmer. Once parents no longer have to manage daily crises and challenges, things can start to feel “normal” again. Families often feel guilty for placing their child outside their home, or worry that others will perceive them as selfish, lazy, or a “bad parent.”

The reality is that obtaining residential care for a child who truly needs it is a gift to the child. The intensity of services means that the child is getting their best chance at achieving their fullest potential. Putting the child’s therapeutic and educational needs before the parents’ own wish to keep the child at home at all costs (even if others in the home – siblings, parents, and the child – are being harmed) is a highly unselfish act. Relationships between the child with a disability and their siblings often improve dramatically after residential placement. These are benefits that occur over time and may not be seen right away.

Many families feel guilty for enjoying activities, vacations, or holidays without their child. Remind yourself that your child might not enjoy an airplane ride, or a noisy, crowded party at a relative’s house, and is happier staying at school - their new home away from home. These are highly personal and difficult decisions for families to make. Ideally, these decisions should be based on your child's and family's needs, rather than driven by feelings of guilt.

One mother described her frustration with her daughter’s lack of progress toward walking. Her child had cerebral palsy and autism and was not walking at age 5. The best piece of advice she received from one of her daughter’s doctors was to not compare her progress from one month to the next, but instead from one year to the next. This helped her adjust her expectations according to her daughter’s unique challenges, rather than the faster progress she wished for or what other children were doing. This mother began to feel less frustrated with her daughter and less dread of weekly physical therapy appointments. She was better able to enjoy her daughter’s progress, in whatever small doses they came. Some children take years to develop some form of communication (signs, AAC device), learn to dress themselves, or toilet independently. One parent was thrilled when she realized that her nonspeaking son used 10 signs one summer but only 5 the summer before. This "big picture" perspective helped her to cope with feeling sad and disappointed about his slow pace of progress. And she could celebrate the doubling of his vocabulary over the course of a year!